


Micro-wave and Quadri-dimensionality

by Cancrelune



Category: Gintama
Genre: A microwave, A tragic story, Attempt at Humor, Diverse household appliances, Gen, Gorilla Abuse, Prawns, Stupidity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:06:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23196784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cancrelune/pseuds/Cancrelune
Summary: Common sense in Gintama is like a humpback whale in space… It doesn’t belong there.
Kudos: 5





	Micro-wave and Quadri-dimensionality

**Author's Note:**

> Hi !
> 
> So… this is a poor English version I’ve made of a really old fanfiction of mine originally posted elsewhere in my native language, let’s say, a long time ago (2015, how time flies...)
> 
> After all this time, I finally managed to completely translate this shit. 
> 
> I am not 100% sure about this translation so please forgive me, but have a good read anyway!

** \- Microwave ovens are like dimensional portals; you never know what will come out – **

He shouldn't have made fun of Madao when he saw him rummaging through the trash. Admittedly, Gintoki was completely and utterly broke, but there was no way he would stick his nose in the garbage. He had his samurai dignity, and above all, his dignity as a human being.

Thus, Gintoki had passed the Madao, holding his head high, draped in his pride and self-esteem like a Roman emperor in his toga.

Our man was heading the konbini - with panache - to buy the latest edition of the Jump, Holy Shônen Bible where a bunch of heroes battled - with just as much panache - for values which could serve as a motto for a more or less democratic state. Friendship, Effort, Victory.

Then he had planned to read the adventures of these heroes full of panache, his little finger exploring his nasal cavities with as much thoroughness as if he wanted to find the One Park there.

All that fuss to say that Gintoki was going to read his Jump picking his nose, but in the samurai's mind, reading the Jump was almost a personal achievement in itself, a sacrosanct ceremony, so you had to embellish it a little.

And so, with all the dignity that can show an almost thirty year’s old man heading to buy a magazine for teens, Gintoki pushed the door of the konbini.

At this point, and after the intensive use of periphrases of all kinds, the reader can easily guess the tragedy that would befall our hero in a few seconds.

So _a few seconds later_ , Gintoki stepped outside. Of the man who had entered the konbini only remained a human wreck that seemed to have lost all its reasons to live. It only took one Jump out of stock for Gintoki to leave his panache in the store.

Our distraught samurai cast a glance over the surroundings, with the expression of a stoned beluga. Down the street, the Madao was up to his neck into a dumpster.

Gintoki only saw this alternative. Too bad he would fall six feet under. When you hit rock bottom, you can only go back up, as one say. Except that he had just been given a shovel and that keeping on digging was easier than climbing.

So he dug.

Because a stinky Jump was still a Jump.

** ❀ **

“So?” Shinpachi asked, putting his glasses back over his nose.

“Therefore? Well, from now on, we have a microwave oven, kiddos!”

“Wait a sec’ ... if I understood correctly, you found it in a trash can, right?”

“Exact. The motto of the Jump is Friendship, Effort, Victory isn’t it? In Gintama, we are more like Toilets, Poop, Dustbins. So we stay in tune, right? A nice yucky tone and smell.”

“I really don't want to know _why_ you had to go rummage in the trashcan; I am not even going near that… But in heaven’s name, Gin-san, if this microwave was in the garbage, there must be a reason!”

“We don't have to use it! We can leave it in the kitchen! You know, when you have guests, it's like _"oh, you have a microwave!"_ And you are like _"Yes, but I don't use it, I prefer cooking myself! Hahaha!"_ See? It’s an external sign of imaginary wealth!”

“Yeah, basically, you just want to show off…”

Gintoki supported his words, shaking his head vigorously with a satisfied little smile. Shinpachi took off his glasses and massaged his eyes, wondering whether he should put his boss's idea in the "stupid plans that were going to go wrong" category or in the "very stupid plans that were going to go very wrong" one.

Because every time they picked up something, whether it was a robot head or a blue-ray player, it was very VERY likely that the events would go down the pan. 99,99% chance in fact. It was almost systematic, and in the long run it ended up becoming an implicit rule...

He finally decided to put it in the second category, that of "very stupid plans that were going to go very wrong", because it was still necessary to take into account two other factors and not least, namely, Kagura fiddling with the buttons of the microwave with an inspired expression, and the presence of his sister.

Because who says microwave means kitchen, who says kitchen means high-end culinary jokes, means Otae.

And if you want a more complete look on the environment, you need to know that some masochistic ninja was rooting in the ceiling, and if Otae was there, then there was inevitably a gorilla stashed under the sofa.

Otae, since we are talking about her, stepped forward and proceeded to examine the microwave a little more closely.

“Are you sure it doesn't work anymore? What a shame, I wonder how my microwave tamagoyaki would have looked like...”

“They would have walked on their own, I think.” replied Gintoki. “Maybe they would even call you "Mom", who knows?”

“Mum? Otae-san, could I be the Dad?”

Kondo emerged from under the coffee table (actually, it wasn't the sofa…) sliding as if he was lying on a skateboard.

“Gin-chan, the table has just faxed us a gorilla…” Kagura announced with a pout. Gintoki got up and walked around.

“Unknown addressee, return to sender ...” he declared.

And he intended to stuff the intruder back from where he had just come out with violent kicks in the face. Otae didn’t waste a moment to join the party, except that Kondo did not seem willing to return to his hideout.

Because it is scientifically proven that you cannot hold a certain volume of matter in a container of lesser volume (unless it’s a gas and you compress it very hard, but until proven otherwise, Kondo isn’t a gas), because shit, we must remain a little logical, we are not in an anime, and therefore, a 1,80 meter gorilla, even with all the good will and kicks in the world, cannot go under a 300 yen table patched up with tape and fuck it, if he had been able to hide there at first, it's just because the author wanted to put him there, period.

“Gin-chan! Anego! Stop it! The table does a paper jam!” yelled Kagura.

The table was vibrating so much under the blows that the microwave began to jolt as if it was placed on a trampoline. When she realized that the oven was about to fall over, Otae rushed over and grabbed it narrowly in her arms.

“Gin-san! Stop hitting the table, you brute!” she growled, cradling the microwave like a newborn baby.

Gintoki, keeping to himself a burning comment on Otae's very personal definition of the word "brute" (that is, everyone except herself), held his foot in the air, two centimeters from where it was about to crash, namely Kondo's face (even if it wasn’t really a face anymore).

Gintoki moved away from the table, which now appeared to be an indivisible entity with Kondo. The two seemed to have merged into an improbable sort of entanglement, so much that neither could say whether it was Kondo who was embedded in the table, or whether it was the table which was embedded in Kondo.

Everyone contemplated for a whole minute the Commander of the Shinsengumi trying to miserably untangle himself with twisting movements, only to find himself permanently blocked, with the table stucked in the middle of his torso like the shell of a tortoise. At least they were able to distinguish a front and a back.

Kondo got painfully down on his legs, wobbling like a weeble under the weight of the table which forced him to bow like a little old man.

And he noticed the microwave.

“Oh, a microwave.” he said casually. “It reminds me that ours is out of service ... Maybe we should think about replacing it ...”

“Ah? How did this happen?” Shinpachi inquired with a polite interest.

“Well, Toshi wanted to heat some mayonnaise…”

“And?”

“He vomited”

“Who? The mayora?”

‘No, the microwave.”

“How could a microwave throw up...?” Shinpachi sighed with the tired look of someone who had long ago given up struggling against the irrationality of his relatives.

“GIN-CHAN! It's incredible!” Kagura intervened, making everyone jump. “It proves that microwaves also have a heart! We have to be nice to him!”

“It's not a pet!” replied Gintoki.

“Don't say that, you're going to hurt him!” she growled, placing her hands on the microwave as if she wanted to cover its non-existent ears.

“Ah yeah here we go, she’s completely off her head again! At this rate in two days we’ll find ourselves calling it Ollie and having to walk it on a leash!”

At these words, the ceiling collapsed in a cloud of dust, and from the resulting pile of wood raised a voice:

“TAKE ME ON A LEASH!!”

“Gin-chan, the ceiling is trying to communicate with us.” said Kagura. “Maybe he wants to go for a walk and take a dump. He never went out after all, it must be hard for him...”

“Gin-san, take me on a leash” repeated a begging Sacchan, covered in dirt and sawdust, emerging from the pile of planks with a collar around her neck.

“Hmm, it depends.” Gintoki said, thoughtfully stroking his chin. “Do you have a defrost mode?”

“Better be powerful, your defrost mode, because Gin-chan’s popsicle hasn’t come out of the fridge since- GAAAHH!”

“Gin-san, I don't have a defrost mode” Sacchan simpered while Kagura was hugging both hands the gigantic bump that had grown on his head. “But if you heat me enough, you can cook fried eggs on my hot body!”

“Shinpachi! Bring back the prawns! We have a new grill!”

“Prawns?! Gin-san, before collecting household appliances, perhaps the priority would be to buy some food, don't you think!? AND WE'RE BROKE, WHERE THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO FIND YOUR FUCKING PRAWNS!”

“My dear Patsuan, please show a bit of resourcefulness! So take your boots and your net and go fishing in the canal! You’d better catch a lot! This way we could sell the excess! And if it works, we could even start a business! We’ll be rich my little Patsuan, you hear that? RICH!”

With great suffering, Shinpachi listened to Gintoki’s grandiloquent and somewhat delusional speech without having the guts or the will to tell him that his business was doomed to failure. So he didn't notice the strange behavior of Sacchan, who was standing nearby, motionless.

She was staring at the microwave with unhealthy attention, muttering in a low voice as if she were chanting gloomy incantations. She seemed to be in the middle of a satanic ritual, determined to send the victim of her curse through the nine circles of hell.

If we could listen, we would hear this:

“So this is the microwave I’ve been hearing about for a while, this is the microwave that is at the center of everyone’s attention in this hovel, the center of Gin-san’s attention. I must eliminate my rivals if I want to fulfill my destiny as Gin-san’s grill ... Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLL!”

With a dreadful battle cry that startled everyone, Sacchan seized the microwave, brandished it at arm's length above her head like a weightlifter, and walked resolutely towards the front door with a hysterical laugh.

“Sa-chan-san, what are you doing?” asked Shinpachi, round eyes.

“This microwave puts me in the shade!” Sacchan replied with a demented smile. “I am Gin-san’s one and only cooking device! This microwave must disappear!”

“NOOOOO !” yelled Kagura as she ran after her.

Seeing that the little Yato was about to jump on her, Sacchan started running to the balcony and before Kagura could intervene, she threw the microwave over the railing. Everyone rushed to watch the oven describe an elegant curve then crash in the middle of the street with clanking noises.

A heavy silence struck the small assembly, soon to be disturbed by a furious voice coming from below.

“GINTOKI! Let me remind you that this apartment you’re… SQUATTING is furnished by me! So if you keep on destroying the furniture you will end up just like this microwave!”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU OLD HAG!” replied Gintoki. “I can see that the smell of dead flesh still attracts vultures of your kind, but this microwave is not yours! It is mine, it is my property! MY MINE!”

Otose came forward on the street and looked up, staring at them with a sly little smile.

“So this microwave is yours ...” she said in a honeyed tone. “In that case, I suppose I have the right to claim it for myself, let’s see, as a compensation for the three months of rent that you still owe me… Catherine, bring me this microwave, AND RIGHT AWAY YOU LAZY ASS!”

“OI GET YOUR CLAWS OFF MY OVEN!” yelled Gintoki as Catherine seized the microwave with a victorious smile.

“Gin-san, calm down.” said Shinpachi, holding him by the shoulders. “This microwave doesn’t even work, and they will quickly be disillusioned when they notice it.”

Gintoki abruptly freed himself from the boy’s grape and straightened, brandishing his fist.

“I shall recover what belongs to me, whatever the ordeals that await me, and even if I must face a pair of man-eating harpies!”

And with these words, he went down the stairs, his chest sticking out with all his virile pride and Sacchan clinging to his ankles like a mussel to its rock.

“Gin-san ... it's just a microwave …” Shinpachi objected weakly.

“Come on Patsuan!” Kagura cheerfully invited him, pulling him by the arm. “It will be funny, I can feel it!”

And so, everyone ended up following Gintoki on his quest, including the Gorilla, who had to be unstuck on the way because the table wouldn’t pass the railing of the stairs.

And when they burst into the Snack Bar, it was to discover Tama leaning over the microwave with solicitude. She seemed to be having a sort of telepathic conversation with him, under the attentive and slightly disappointed gaze of the two shrews.

When she noticed the bunch of people who had entered her lair, Otose stepped forward.

“Say, that thing is junk!” she shouted under Gintoki's nose, pointing at the microwave.

“Oi calm down, old cow, I've never promised you anything...”

“Gintoki-sama, Otose-sama…” Tama interrupted them. “…please show some decency. This microwave suffered a lot...”

“No way, he just crashed in the middle of the street.” Gintoki quipped with a sneer.

“No, I mean, Stan is not an ordinary microwave. He is on the way to redemption…”

“Stan ...?” Shinpachi asked, knowing that he would get no logical answer.

“Would you like me to tell you the story of Stan the microwave?”

“Meh, not really…” answered Gintoki.

“Once upon a time…”

“I said NOT REALLY!”

_[Once upon a time there was a microwave by the name of Stan. He lived peacefully with a happy and united family, whom he strove to serve with devotion and loyalty. He had his place in the kitchen, just above Samantha the refrigerator, with whom he got on particularly well._

_Everything was going well. Life was sweet and pleasant and his family never complained about his work. The food was always cooked to perfection._

_But by a rainy day of November, the kind of day that suggests the worst catastrophes, the kind of day when leaving your bed would fatally lead you to great misfortune, yes, that kind of day, the youngest of the family, while her parents were away, burst in the kitchen, panicked._

_She held in her hands Bridget, her hamster, who had a severe pneumonia. The little rodent was shivering with cold. Faced with the little girl's panic, Stan felt helpless. What could he do, he was just a microwave..._

_But the little girl looked at him with tearful eyes and whispered to him:_

_“_ _Stan, help me ..."_

_Powerless, Stan could only let the little girl open his door, place Brigitte in the center of the turntable, close, and program the cooking for 1 minute 30 seconds._

_Before pressing Start, the girl looked at him one last time and said to him:_

_“_ _Warm up Bridget ..."_

_And she started. Stan could do nothing but obey his microwave instincts, and unable to control the electrical impulse running through him, he started the program._

_Bridget exploded after a minute and fourteen seconds._

_Stan would forever remember the look on the little girl’s face when she saw the microwave door turn red. Responsible for his mistress's grief, something broke in him and he was unable to cook anything else from that day on. Now useless, the family he had served for years threw him in the trash._

_Stan dragged his carcass through the streets, without a master or home, riddled with guilt._

_He tried to bring Bridget back by all means by modifying his body, and for that, he contacted eminent Amantos scientists. He get transplanted various functions, time machine, cloning device, multidimensional door ... Stan became the most advanced microwave in the galaxy. But none of his gadgets could revive Bridget._

_By modifying his body excessively, Stan had taken a considerable risk. All of its features interfered with each other, causing excruciating pain, and one day he short-circuited, making him permanently useless._

_Since then, he has wandered like a metal ghost in the streets of Edo.]_

Tama ended her story in a heavy silence, only disturbed by Kondo's sniffles.

“Emm, my dear Tama…” began Gintoki. “If I understood correctly, this microwave can travel through time ...?”

“Yes.”

“It can open on parallel dimensions…?”

“Exact.”

“Can it clone a living being ...?”

“Perfectly.”

“GREAT SCOTT PACHIE! WE WILL MAKE A FORTUNE!”

“But this microwave is out of order, Gintoki-sama. It's a broken microwave.”

“So, no time travel? No cloning? No trip in the Multiverse?”

“None of that, Gintoki-sama.”

“Patsuan, how much is a microwave on the recycling market?” Gintoki asked, turning to Shinpachi.

“Well, I know a scrap dealer who could buy it from us at a good price.” the boy replied.

“LEAVE HIM ALONE!” Kagura yelled, standing resolutely in front of the oven. “Don’t you have a heart?”

“We can still do something for him ...” declared Otae solemnly, advancing as if she possessed Universal Knowledge.

Under the amazed looks of the rest of the assembly, she took out a small box from her kimono sleeve and brandished it at arm's length towards the sky.

“This!” she exclaimed in a grandiloquent tone. “This can resuscitate this microwave!”

Everyone approached slowly as she opened the box with skillfully calculated gestures as if to spare her suspense. And when it was finally open, a huge wave of disappointment ran through the whole group.

“Ah” said Gintoki. “...Dark matter, what a surprise ...”

“Yes” answered Shinpachi. “I imagine that the readers expected it, we were the stupid ones...”

“I ... I was naïve.” lamented Gintoki. “I feel so bad about that...”

“Eeeeemm Ane-ue ?” asked Shinpachi as delicately as possible. “How do you intend to repair this microwave with your ... Hum, your ... your tamagoyaki ...?”

“It's very simple Shin-chan…” she replied with a big smile. “This microwave can no longer cook any food, right? Well, once I have offered him MY food, he will be so captivated by its taste and its refinement that he couldn’t help cooking it ... brilliant, right?”

“This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard...” retorted Gintoki. “And first, is that all that interests you? The oven function?”

“I don't see why I should bother with a time machine.” Otae replied coldly.

“Are you kidding me??! We have a fucking..... TARDIS and all you care about is whether it will cook your dark matter? Can you imagine how boring Doctor Who would be if he only spent his time calling the cops?”

“Shut up! If you don't want this microwave, then I will use it myself!” And with these words, Otae stuffed her tamagoyaki into the microwave and pressed Start.

Obviously, nothing happened.

Otae, quite irritated, began to machine-gun the unfortunate button with her finger until a gigantic vein on the verge of explosion appeared on her forehead, after which she let out a cry that could awaken the deads (he could have woken Bridget, that is something), and struck the microwave with incredible violence.

The microwave made the same sound as an asthmatic chainsaw, and a brief, intense light suddenly emanated from it. It only lasted a few seconds and then it went out. Then could be heard the muffled noise of a small explosion and the microwave began to emit a thin smoke.

Everyone drew back hurriedly to press themselves against the wall. Only Otae stood in front of the microwave, gently approaching her hand to the handle.

Kagura tried to join her, but Gintoki held her back.

“Don't come near this thing, who knows what demonic creature this microwave may have spawned…” he said seriously.

Otae suddenly opened the door. A cloud of smoke came out and when it had evaporated, everyone could see.

The microwave was empty.

“Well... where are my tamagoyaki?” Otae asked with a hint of frustration in her voice.

“If you want my guess, they were teleported...” Tama replied “They are currently floating in the interstellar vacuum of the Universe.”

_[Interlude: In the 70s, astronomers discovered that the Universe was largely made up of a mysterious component, different from baryonic matter, completely undetectable, but yet it was the only way to explain the rotation of galaxies. Unable to identify and even observe this matter, astrophysicists called this enigmatic entity, Black Matter.]_

Otae remained silent for a moment, seeming to accept with great difficulty the fact that her tamagoyaki were likely drifting in space millions of light-years away.

Then she turned to Kondo, who stood innocently a few meters away (well innocently is not really the exact term, since Kondo never stands _innocently_ when Otae is around...), and with a little smile, she grabbed his neck and put his head in the microwave.

“If I send you flying in space, maybe you will stop stalking me, shitty gorilla! And you could take the opportunity to collect my tamagoyaki while you’re at it! Why won’t you go inside? It’s not possible that such a small brain needs such a huge skull!”

Kondo was screaming, Otae was screaming, everyone was screaming.

“NOOOO Ane-ue! Stop that ! Gin-san! Ane-ue has gone crazy!”

“Come on! If you send the gorilla into space, give him at least a crate of bananas for the road! Show humanity!” Gintoki intervened.

Imagine the scene. Kondo, still embedded in the table, as a reminder, had his head stuffed in the microwave where Otae was obviously trying to put him in whole by pulling him by the shoulders. On the other side of the table, all the others were trying to dislodge him by pulling him by the feet, which gave the whole picture a tug of war look.

The microwave backfired and a lightning bolt lit the room. Everyone was thrown against the walls, except Kondo, who violently encountered the ceiling and fell unconscious on the floor.

A thick black smoke emanated from the microwave. The little assembly approached it carefully, covering their noses, and when the smoke had dissipated, they saw.

A small shape inside the microwave was wobbling towards the exit, unstable on its legs and obviously seemed not to know where it was. It ended up tumbling down the edge of the oven and stumbled on the table with an inelegant roll-ball. The little thing coughed, shook itself and looked up slowly, only to find itself face to face with eight pairs of giant eyes staring with a dazed look. The creature took fright and quickly ran away to take refuge inside the microwave.

“Uh, you ... you saw like me ... what I just saw ...” ventured Gintoki, amazed.

“Yes, you saw well, Gin-san …” answered Shinpachi with a trembling voice.

Kagura reached into the microwave and pulled out the thing, which she was holding by the tail.

It was a hamster.

A Kondo-headed hamster.

_[Reserved space for the author to apologize of the vision she has just inflicted on the readers]_

So.

A Kondo-headed hamster.

“Wow.” said Gintoki, coming a little closer. “I thought there was only in Mars Attack we could see this kind of thing…”

“Wait Gin-san!” Shinpachi panicked, rolling up his glasses. “If it's like in Mars Attack, then, Kondo-san…!”

Gintoki suddenly understood and stared at him in panic before rushing towards the gorilla who was lying nearby.

“It's ok, false alarm.” announced Gintoki after inspection. “He still has his gorilla face...”

“Phew, we were close ... Can you imagine, the Commander of the Shinsengumi with the head of a hamster?”

“Gin-chan ?” asked Kagura who was still holding the creature in her hands. “How are we gonna name it?”

“…. You intend to keep this horror?”

“Gin-chan! This is Bridget's reincarnation!” Kagura declared solemnly, raising the hamster toward the sky. “We should present it to Stan!”

“I'm sorry, Kagura-chan.” said Shinpachi sadly. “I'm afraid Stan didn't survive the experience…”

Stan was smoking from everywhere and was black with dust. Kagura approached him gently and handed him the hamster hopefully. The microwave quivered when the creature faced him, then he finally collapsed with a metallic noise.

“Well…” said Gintoki, stretching. “Time of Stan the microwave's death, two-thirty. And now…”

Gintoki grabbed the hamster from Kagura's hands and sent it flying against the wall. The creature crashed into it, remained stuck a few seconds, flat like a pancake, then slowly peeled off and, with a squishing sound, fell sluggishly to the ground like a bunch of overcooked noodles.

“GIN-CHAN! WHAT DID YOU DO !”

“Simple hygienic measure. Believe me, you don't want this thing to breed…”

“Yes but...” sniffed Kagura.

“Imagine.” said Gintoki with a serious expression, planting his eyes in hers. “Imagine a flock of Kondo-headed hamsters invading the apartment. They are everywhere. In your bed, in the rice supply, in your clothes, and even ... in your sukonbu boxes...”

“Absolutely terrifying…” added Otae.

Kagura instantly left her watery look for a disgusted expression. Then she turned to the hamster's corpse.

“See you space, Bridget...”

“Well, a-n-y-w-a-y…” intervened Otose. “I certainly won’t be cleaning up your shit. So get to work! The brooms and the mops are in the closet!”

“Gin-chan, could we organize a little ceremony in memory of Stan and Bridget…?”

“Well, why not...” replied Gintoki with a smile.

This is how the tragic story of Stan and Brigitte ended. Both were buried on an anonymous wasteland, and those who had witnessed their terrible fate quickly erased from their memories the vision of this Kondo-headed creature, although Gintoki had nightmares until two weeks after the incident.

Kondo Isao, meanwhile, never knew that a hamster with his head was lying somewhere under the soil of Edo.

Good for him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much !
> 
> I hope you've enjoyed it !


End file.
